The Beginning of the End?

I was getting ready to finish the blog post I started last night and it just hit me. Out of nowhere, like a ninja, grief attacked.

I was going to write about politics, so maybe it’s not so bad I was derailed… but a photo of Natalie stopped me.

Since the expo ended on the 15th, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop…

 

It had been getting close. I had a few close call with crying fits but hadn’t really been able to let it out and I don’t know why.

I do know what pushed me over the edge though…

We The Kings have a song called Sad Song and it tore my heart in more than half…

*This video is NSF, unless you don’t mind ending up a puddle on the office floor*

Maybe I should’ve had the warning above the link… sorry.

It’s just that everything hurts all over again. Again and again.

I thought that once the expo was over, I could go back to meditating. It’s a new thing for me, at least it was. I’d felt calmer, more centered and most importantly, closer to Natalie. But, the expo ended and… I. feel. like. shit.

Physically I don’t feel good. Part of that is my Grave’s disease (couldn’t they have come up with a name not so… dismal?) is kicking in again. That means I’m dealing with exhaustion, an intolerance to heat and irritability (no shit). On top of that, depression is settling into my bones. The past several days it’s been almost impossible to get out of bed. I’ve made it to work, the one shift I’ve had so far this week. I’ve gone to my therapy group and not much else. I didn’t do my volunteering that I usually do on Wednesdays. I haven’t answered the phone or email. I just feel so heavy.

I kinda feel the equivalent of drunk. Like, sloppy drunk. Praying to God from inside the toilet bowl, trying to hold your hair back without moving any other body part for fear of vomiting… Once you do start puking, you just lay down on the cool tile floor and wait for the next wave of nausea to peak.

I lay in bed, my head propped up against the wooden headboard and wait for the next tsunami of tears to sweep me away. After the hysteria subsides, I fall into a light sleep with my eyes swollen shut and my throat dry and scratchy until the next little trigger starts the cycle again.

Like an alcoholic, I have to take this one day at a time. Remind myself that through is the only way out, when I beg God to tell me how long this is going to last. How much more do I have to endure? How many more hours and days will I walk around with a piece of myself missing…

While looking for an image to go along with this post, I came across this poem… it’s slightly modified to fit this particular situation.

I’ll Meet You In the Light

I know that you can’t see me, but trust me I’m right here.
Although I’m up in heaven, my love for you stays near.

So often I see you crying, many times you call my name.
I want so much to touch your face and ease some of your pain.

I wish that I could make you see that Heaven indeed is real.
If you could see me run and play, how much better you would feel.

But our loving God has promised me that when the time is right,
You’ll step out of the darkness and meet me in the light.

Written by Maureen Bauer

 

Advertisements

Puddles

Tonight I am finding myself at a loss for words. Exhausted, I have a million things to write about but justice would be done to none. Instead of doing less than my best, here is a free write from my Friday class.

Disclaimer! As we say in our family, towards the end, it “takes a turn”.

Things That Make Me Melt:

*When Tayla crawls into my lap and throws her arms around my neck.

*When she says “mom, do you want to see what I wrote?”.

*Most everyone on America’s Got Talent… watching  the culmination of a persons dedicated and hard work summed up in a smile or a tear, receiving what I’m sure feels like the ultimate validation.

*Comedians who laugh at their own jokes.

*When one of my cats stretch themselves across my bare feet, not so subtly demanding a belly rub.

*Doggies. Especially Niles. Probably seven pounds of miniature dachshund, minus an eye. Minus my sister. My heart breaks when I think of him alone with Natalie’s body. Tenderly washing her exposed skin in desperate kisses.

I remember sitting in that conference room. The apartment building on LaSalle Ave when the medical examiner told us she’d most likely passed around 2 or 3 am that morning. Hours. Just hours we missed her by. Eight hours earlier I could have called and expected she’d answer.

I don’t know how time works for animals. I know part of him understands, like part of me understands but I can’t help but tear up whenever I see him, still searching for her, like me.

Two Weeks Today

It’s been approximately 336 hours since Natalie left us. Two weeks today. It’s been 17 days since I last heard her sing…

“Lately, there seems to be
Some insecurities
About the way I feel
Where I want to be
Love will be right here, be right here
Right here, be right here
(Don’t you have no) No fear, have no fear
(Don’t shed) no tears, love is here

True love some don’t believe in
That’s just what I’m giving
I’m gonna keep it strong
I’ll be holding on to you.

Sure as the sun is shining
Our love will keep on climbing
There’s gonna be some rain, gonna be some pain

But as long as I know
Boy, time will show
Our love will grow, and I know…”

(Those aren’t all the lyrics but the applicable ones. I’ll include a link below for anyone who wants to listen to it.)

How is it possible? How can it be two weeks already? And yet, it’s only been two weeks?!?! It feels like two seconds and an eternity…

I still have pockets of time where ever other second, I’m hearing the news for the first time. I get the sick sensation that I’m going to faint or throw up or both. My heart aches. It stabs. It stops. It needs help starting again…

I alternate between thinking “She’s gone. I know she’s gone. What did I expect? How am I going to get through without her?” and “She’s NOT gone. She’s still here. With me. With all of us…” Yes, her physical body is gone and that’s hard. But her spirit? Nothing can take that away. Thank God she didn’t mind the camera! Or being recorded. That she was such a *I mean it in the best possible way* Diva.

I’m reminded that the brighter the star, the greater the darkness when they dim.

I had my first dream with Natalie in it on Tuesday night.

It was winter, cold and dark. My dad was outside talking to Natalie. She was trying to take a car that’d been totaled out, “I can get $50 bucks for it” she told him. “Natalie, that doesn’t make any sense… the engine alone is worth $3,000. Piece it out.”

“I know it doesn’t make sense dad, but I need the money now.”

She puts the hunk of wrecked metal in the trunk of someone’s car and starts to get in.

“Wait” I screamed.

She paused. It was now daylight and warm, we were in our parents driveway.

I ran to her and hugged her. Hard.

“Don’t EVER do that to me again! Don’t you leave me again” I said as I cried into her neck.

She hugged me back and said “Don’t be silly. I’m never going to leave you.”

When I woke up, I didn’t even remember my dream. It was when I went to wake Tayla up for school that it started to come back to me. I went back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, hugging and rocking myself.

Even though I was (and continue to be) devastated, there was something going on inside me or around me that felt comforted…

Shine on Nat. I love you.

Right Here * SWV

Natalie * I’ll Be Everywhere