via Daily Prompt: Aware

Today’s word of the day is: Aware. Awareness. It sounds like a good thing…to be aware of things but right now, I’m thinking it’s really close to the word beware, like, too close.

To be aware and present, to be mindful… it’s not all Buddhists and lotus flowers and Nirvana. It’s some of that…

It’s also pain. It’s suffering. It’s me, lying in my bed trying to curl up into a ball… becoming a tourniquet to prevent my heart from bleeding out onto the sheets. Who want’s to do THAT laundry? Not this girl.

I digress, I don’t want this to be a bummer post. I hadn’t realized how scary/upsetting my last post was but based on some feedback, it was bad and now I’m afraid to go back and look at what I wrote! I guess I was NOT very aware that day.

I am taking better care of myself. Taking meds when they are supposed to be taken, getting all of my insulin doses in, going to bed at a decent-ish time… I’ve even laid off of the Justice network, well, cut back considerably.

What about fun stuff? Glad you asked. I upgraded my phone… it was that time and I really surprised myself! I went with the iPhone (of course) 7. Plus.


Seriously, I was as shocked as anybody.

For one thing, the phone is HUGE. I never thought it practical to have a phone so fucking big, it doesn’t fit into your pocket… well, it fits in my back pocket. I love the bigger screen. I’m sure I thought I could see fine on every other phone I’ve ever owned, but holy. shit. It’s so much easier to read and text (bigger keyboard)!

A cool feature I found are the “live tiles”. The wallpapers move. It works with photos too! I was taking pictures of the cats and I noticed when swiping between the pictures, I could actually SEE the cats turning their heads. It scared me at first. I thought maybe I was having  a dizzy spell… but I figured that couldn’t be it, know why? Because I’m taking care of myself! 😀 I showed Don, to make sure he saw it too. He did and told me to hold my finger down on the photo. I did and was blown away. I’m pretty sure I remember back before the phone was even released, Apple airing a commercial about the live photos but I didn’t really understand how it worked or why you’d want it. I still don’t know how it works, but it’s pretty freaking cool.

In addition to the phone, the sales girl was talking to me about headphones. Remember the number one drawback to the iPhone 7? No headphone jack. I don’t know what I was flipping out about. I should’ve figured Apple had my back. There is an adapter included. Crisis averted. In addition to the adapter, they’ve included their own set of earbuds with the appropriate connector for the 7 plus. For these reasons, I initially declined a second set of earbuds. Why I decided to do “this” when I had a time constraint is beyond me… oh yeah, I have a little bit of an impulsive side. So, honestly, this time crunch was working in T-Mobile’s favor and after hearing how much I’d “be saving because of the super low down payment” I conceded. Did I mention I had to be somewhere??? I wasn’t even really sure what all I’d done but I needed to leave.

“Can you sync these phones up for me?” I asked

“It’s in your Cloud” she said.

“Are you sure? I don’t exactly trust my Cloud…”

“It’s all there” she assured me.

“It’s just, I have pictures of my sister on this phone and she passed in May so I won’t get any more…”

“Ya know, let’s back it up just in case. Everything SHOULD be there but…”


Since it was going to take awhile, she agreed to get everything set up for me. Case and screen protector on, earbuds sync’ed up etc. All I had to do was come pick it up when I was done with my group.

I signed (my life away, I’m sure) paperwork and flew outta there.

When I got home that night, Don wanted to know what all was in the bag. I wasn’t even entirely sure. I sat down and started to pull things out.

“What is this?” He said.

“Ear buds” I replied.

“These are Beats.  Beats by Dre.”

“So, if you know what they are, why are you asking me?”

“Do YOU know what these are?” he asked

“Ear buds”

“No. Well, yes but these are the top of the line. These are EXPENSIVE. Like, Natalie expensive.”


“I’m just jealous is all.”

I take them from him and look them over. They were nice. Very nice. They are ear buds but you don’t have to wedge them into your ear holes. They perch just outside of the ear canal and hook over your ear so you don’t have to worry about them falling off. They are wireless. The sound AMAZING.


I kept turning the box over, looking for a price but there wasn’t one listed.

Well, I found the receipt today. Holy … Yeah, they’re Natalie expensive… and, I’m keeping them.

“Music is what feelings sound like”.

I didn’t really mean to turn this post into a plug for Apple or Dre but… it’s the majority of what I’ve been aware of lately.

Shit That Pisses Me Off

Please excuse the vulgarity so early in the post, I’m not even watching the debates and they are having an effect on me! Grrr.

What I meant to say, kinda, is the things that frustrate me… You know how YOU can lovingly bash yourself, your family, spouse or bff but if anyone else does it, they’ve crossed a line? Well, it’s along those lines.

When people patronize me. It’s an especially difficult time for me as half the time I really DON’T understand what people are saying and need things spelled out, step by step. That being said, I found a video online that offers “11 Little Things You Can Do To Take Care Of Yourself“.

The first problem with this is the title. I mean, the title would be fine if they actually provided 11 ideas but they don’t. The video should be called “8 Little Things You Probably Already Thought Of But I’m On A Deadline, So Maybe If I Make A Video, That Will Be Impressive Enough To Get Me By Until My Next Assignment”.

I’ll go through the list here, tell me if I’m missing something.

  1. Get Enough Sleep- Every Night. Like, every night? Is that even possible? Even if it is possible for most people, it isn’t for me. I’ve been exhausted my entire life. I’ve never had a real great relationship with sleep, even with the use of rx meds. So, I’d LOVE to get enough sleep, even some nights, but that’s not a realistic goal. What else have ya got?
  2. Exercise- Even If It’s Just A Brisk Walk. Brisk or not, everywhere I walk is an exercise. I don’t have a mode above “easy” anymore. Having arthritis has limited the amount of activity I can do, although I was making it to the pool nearly every day- I live in MN. I can’t afford a gym membership and our apartment complex has closed the outdoor pool for the season. My current exercise plan is forgetting my anti-anxiety pill until my leg shakes so bad, something falls off the kitchen table to remind me how stressed I am. Does that count?
  3. Eat Real Food- You Deserve More Than Vending Machine Snacks. I also deserve a full night’s sleep, what’s your point? I’d love to eat healthy/ organic and home cooked meals… Can you help me afford groceries? Help me cook said groceries when my back gives out and I’ve only been standing in front of the stove for a couple of minutes? That’d be grrrreeeaaatttt. Thanks.
  4.  Take A Break- From Your Phone. No. Just, no. What if I miss another eye opening video???
  5. Ask For Help- When You Need It. Hahahahahahahahaha. Just FYI, asking for help can actually exacerbate the stress when repeated pleas go unheeded.
  6. Keep A Journal- It’s A Great Way To Work Out Your Feelings. Hey, ya got one! Good for you.
  7. Read A Good Book- And Escape Into Fantasy For Awhile. Yep, I’ve spent the last several years in therapy learning how to KEEP from escaping reality. I’ve been practicing how to stay grounded and mindful. Yes, I understand reading a book and drinking (or whatever bad behavior people use to medicate/escape) are different things AND I’d like to point out, I’m just taking the advice you recommended in strategy number six.
  8. Call Your Family Or Friends- To Vent. Why bother them with a phone call when I can just post it on the World Wide Web?

I’m sure these are all good suggestions bur are there any you haven’t heard of? Can you see where maybe the author (or video person) just whipped out some stale regurgitation of anyone’s common sense list? God, I hope they didn’t get paid for that…

What’s it to me, right? I guess it’s because I give a shit about the amount of work (and passion) I put into projects (even this one, although not my most refined pieces) and for people to just … put so little thought into it? It pisses me off.

At least change the GD title to the correct number of “things”.