New Arrival!

Meet Noah.

He arrived today from Waverly, MN.

I wasn’t sure I’d be able to bring him home but the cosmos were in alignment and everything worked out… I didn’t even have to sell my soul, so bonus.

I ordered him on Monday or Tuesday and I tracked that package like I was a storm chaser on the heels of a hurricane. I even sat outside on the curb for a while, hoping I’d meet the UPS driver before he brought the package into the office. After a couple of hours, I figured I should be more productive. So I worked on cleaning out our den.

I grabbed a stack of papers and in the shuffle, out fell the card Natalie had written to go along with the flowers she sent after Noah passed.

My eyes glazed over and my brain went numb.

I remembered it was a Saturday. The bouquet was sitting on our doorstep, waiting for us when we got home. I thought it was a mistake. I barely glanced at the flowers, looking only for the attached card. I wanted to make sure they got to the right person…

“Words cannot express the hurt I feel for the loss of Noah. Hope these will bring some beauty into your world at such a time of sadness. I love you with all my heart. Natalie.”

I was beside myself all over again.

Why? God, Why BOTH of them? Why so close together? WHY?

And in the end, it doesn’t matter why. There’s no changing it. There will be no answers until I am with them. And I have to find a way to be ok with that… not ok they’re gone but accept it, otherwise I won’t be able to go on.

I cried until I couldn’t breathe and then I got into the shower. I let the hot water pelt my neck and back. I imagined God crying with me. Bathing me in his tears.

When I got out of the shower, Don had a box from UPS in his hands.

He cut through all the tape and the hard to remove packing.

Under butter yellow tissue paper and wrapped in a green receiving blanket was Noah.


He took my breath away. I was almost afraid to pick him up… but I did. I gently lifted him from the cardboard box and unwrapped the blanket. I held him to my chest, still clutching my towel in one hand, baby in the other. I started to sway as my eyes got hot again, filling with tears.

Along with Noah, a change of clothes, a hat and a birth certificate with the name Noah was included.

I had to leave. I had an appointment at 3:00 and it was close to that already.

“What do you think of him” Don asked me in the car.

“Think? I’m trying not to think about it. When I do, I feel weird. Self conscious. Silly. Unstable. But when I held him and rocked him, I FELT peaceful. I felt right…”

“I just don’t want you to um, I don’t know how to say it… I’m afraid I’ll come home one day and you’ll say ‘guess what Noah did today'”.

I laughed. “No, I don’t think you have to worry about that. And, if you catch me trying to nurse him? Take him away from me, please.”

He chuckled, very uncomfortably.

So, we’ll see how it goes. He’s a beautiful baby DOLL and it fills my heart up to even look at him. I hope he becomes a resource as tomorrow is Thursday. Again. God how I HATE Thursdays. It will be 8 weeks tomorrow. Getting harder to pretend she’s on a vacation…

How about you? How do you or have you coped with grief and losses? Does anything REALLY help? Let me know in the comments below!

The Price of Healing

Right now I’m trying to decide if Satan would take my soul for $300, give or take.

This weekend, this past week more accurately, has been exceptionally difficult in dealing with the loss of Noah. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if anything triggered it or if my heart and mind are trying to focus on something other than Natalie… But it’s been tough.

Today sucked. Big time. I woke up before I was ready, at 11:30ish. My alarm had been going off for quite a while and explained the very odd music beat that had been playing in my dream… “and if you complain once more, you’ll meet an army of me” Bjork repeatedly sang. I needed an army of Advil.

I was irritated by EVERYTHING from the cats wanting to be fed to the sound of my voice as I told them to wait a minute.

I was out the door before realizing I’d forgotten my keys. I went back inside, bolted the door, ran to the bedroom and began sobbing into my giant monkey’s head. Muffled screams and howls of sorrow were released into the soft fur of my inanimate friend. I turned on the air as I’ve learned cooling down the body is a good way to self regulate high emotions. To come back to the here and now. To calm myself down.

Once I’d exhausted myself, I went into the kitchen for a glass of cold water and saw Tayla looking at me with curiosity. She didn’t ask what was wrong but I noticed her eyes were wet too.

Later, in the car (where she couldn’t escape) I asked her why she’d been crying. “I don’t know how else to say it other than to say your emotions are contagious”.

I felt guilty at first, then pride. I am raising her to be compassionate. Even if she doesn’t like to show it…

Around dinnertime, we all sat at the kitchen table and watched America’s Funniest Home Videos. Usually a feel good show, I was moved to tears when they had a collection of videos featuring pregnancy announcements. Screams and cries of joy echoed around me.

I felt like shit.

Then I got a text from my best friend. She’d talked with someone who makes dolls called “reborn” dolls. Did I want one for Noah? Knife in my heart, stab, stab, stab. Yes, of course I do. She’ll get back to her with a price quote.

The name “reborn” doll intrigued me though. So, who has everything you ever wanted with a buy it now button? eBay. I searched the online retailer and found thousands of them.

Including THE ONE.

He’s a beautiful baby boy. Made by a woman who lives in MN. I scrolled down to read more and what I saw took my breath away.

“Proudly Presenting, Noah”

I know that Noah is not an unusual name AND it felt like he was made just for me.

I’d love to post pictures but I’m not sure I can because of copyright infringement. If, I mean when, he comes home, I’ll post them here on the blog!

Until then, I’m going to focus all my “feels” on the spot this particular ray of light is hitting my heart.