The Price of Healing

Right now I’m trying to decide if Satan would take my soul for $300, give or take.

This weekend, this past week more accurately, has been exceptionally difficult in dealing with the loss of Noah. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if anything triggered it or if my heart and mind are trying to focus on something other than Natalie… But it’s been tough.

Today sucked. Big time. I woke up before I was ready, at 11:30ish. My alarm had been going off for quite a while and explained the very odd music beat that had been playing in my dream… “and if you complain once more, you’ll meet an army of me” Bjork repeatedly sang. I needed an army of Advil.

I was irritated by EVERYTHING from the cats wanting to be fed to the sound of my voice as I told them to wait a minute.

I was out the door before realizing I’d forgotten my keys. I went back inside, bolted the door, ran to the bedroom and began sobbing into my giant monkey’s head. Muffled screams and howls of sorrow were released into the soft fur of my inanimate friend. I turned on the air as I’ve learned cooling down the body is a good way to self regulate high emotions. To come back to the here and now. To calm myself down.

Once I’d exhausted myself, I went into the kitchen for a glass of cold water and saw Tayla looking at me with curiosity. She didn’t ask what was wrong but I noticed her eyes were wet too.

Later, in the car (where she couldn’t escape) I asked her why she’d been crying. “I don’t know how else to say it other than to say your emotions are contagious”.

I felt guilty at first, then pride. I am raising her to be compassionate. Even if she doesn’t like to show it…

Around dinnertime, we all sat at the kitchen table and watched America’s Funniest Home Videos. Usually a feel good show, I was moved to tears when they had a collection of videos featuring pregnancy announcements. Screams and cries of joy echoed around me.

I felt like shit.

Then I got a text from my best friend. She’d talked with someone who makes dolls called “reborn” dolls. Did I want one for Noah? Knife in my heart, stab, stab, stab. Yes, of course I do. She’ll get back to her with a price quote.

The name “reborn” doll intrigued me though. So, who has everything you ever wanted with a buy it now button? eBay. I searched the online retailer and found thousands of them.

Including THE ONE.

He’s a beautiful baby boy. Made by a woman who lives in MN. I scrolled down to read more and what I saw took my breath away.

“Proudly Presenting, Noah”

I know that Noah is not an unusual name AND it felt like he was made just for me.

I’d love to post pictures but I’m not sure I can because of copyright infringement. If, I mean when, he comes home, I’ll post them here on the blog!

Until then, I’m going to focus all my “feels” on the spot this particular ray of light is hitting my heart.



You’re Invited To My Pity Party!

I am at a loss tonight. Things are not looking better after a good night of sleep. Who’s sleeping? The longer Natalie is gone, the harder it gets. It’s difficult to even take a deep breath because grief is lying in wait. Keep the shallow breathing. Don’t make eye contact with people when they ask you how you are. Don’t listen to her music…

I do allow myself to cry, even in front of people sometimes. I can’t help it. I wish I could… Mostly though, I reserve the out-and-out guttural grief releases for my car. I see a therapist on a weekly basis and also attend a (life) skills group that teaches us how to deal with emotions and cope in healthier ways than before. I am very grateful for the people and the skills I’ve gained from that group yet I found myself holding back this week. A few tears fell but when I heard David (one of our group facilitators) ask what emotions I was experiencing… I was concentrating only on holding my breath. Holding my pain. Holding the tears in. DON’T DO IT a voice inside me warned.

But why? What’s the worst that could happen? I’m afraid I’ll open my mouth to scream and won’t stop until my voice is gone, for starters. I worried about other people in the building hearing me. I’m worried that I’ll make others uncomfortable. I’m worried about people comforting me and I’ll feel uncomfortable. That people will think I’ve really lost my shit…

But really? Within a months time, I lost my unborn son and my sister. What is that SUPPOSED to sound like? How long SHOULD that last? I guess I don’t think people won’t understand… I know there is no hard and fast rule when it comes to grief… (remember when “experts” told people just coming out of a romantic relationship that they could grieve one month per every year they spent with their significant other? I thought it was stupid in sixth grade and still do.) Aside from everyone being an individual, I know myself to be highly sensitive and I know I will never not be grieving.

I’m in a DBT program. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, which teaches both/and vs either/or. For someone who used to have extremely black and white thinking, this has been a God send.

I am still devastated about losing my baby AND I am excited, happy and hopeful that someone I consider a friend, is pregnant. I congratulated her and I meant it. And, I anticipate it’s going to be difficult to spend time around her. I will survive. I will flex and build the muscle that has gotten me through the tough times before.

So, tonight, amidst my sadness, please enjoy some music that brings me joy. The clip below is of Melanie Martinez’s song “Pity Party”.