Not Again

Jesus Christ. I can follow the logic but I don’t understand. HOW does this keep happening? I am crying and shaking with anger after reading a story about a mother having to bury her THIRD son, all lost to heroin.

I feel so defeated. I can stand on my soapbox and preach all I want but what good does it do? Everyone already agrees… even the addicts. Yes, this has to stop. Loved ones can advocate and try to help all they want and addicts can want sobriety worse than anything and yet… here we are.

There were two things mentioned between the news story and the GoFundMe page that caught my attention.

The first being, when someone is arrested for a drug related offense, why are we letting them out of jail to wait for a court date? Can’t we hold them until a bed opens up somewhere? If this person was suicidal, there’s no way a judge would let him go out on his own… This catch and release method isn’t working.

Second, someone suggested suing the drug company. Like I said, I’m angry and devastated… I’m sure there are probably answers to both of these ideas… I don’t know which company would be sued, anyone making opiates? Is there any other way to ease pain? Some other solution?

I’m broke. So, so broke and I’d be more than HAPPY to pay extra taxes, drive on a bumpy road, eat crappier food- DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix this! Find a cure or an alternative…

I can’t believe I ever feared riding in an airplane, getting murdered or anything other than this epidemic.

Here is the link to the GoFundMe page: Jesse McCauley Memorial Fund.

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Purpose

Today’s daily word prompt is purpose.

When I first saw the word, I felt a little… awe inspired. “WordPress GETS me” I thought. This prompt, this word, it was the end result of all the cosmic conspirators working together to address one of my main issues: What is my purpose? I got excited and immediately imagined that word in a frying pan and I promptly (get it? I know, sorry) put it on the back burner to simmer.

The second time I saw the word, I laughed. My purpose, right. I’ll have it figured out in no time! All I have to do is blog about it and the answers will come to me because I’m doing the work… just in case my sarcasm isn’t coming across, my tongue and fingers tips are dripping with it.

Earlier this evening was the third time I looked at that word and this time I was angry.

In talking with people about Natalie’s death, I learned some horrible things. One of them was that this was not an isolated thing. I know addiction is running rampant these days but I hadn’t known that the Hennepin County police were investigating her death as a possible homicide. A total of nine people have died from using heroin mixed with fentanyl. I don’t know for sure if that’s what Natalie got but even if it isn’t, NINE? I think the whole idea of labeling a heroin related death an overdose is ridiculous. For one thing, it’s not prescribed, meaning there IS no dosing. If there is no amount safe enough to regulate, there can’t be an OVER-dose. Right?

Second, I was told the police were there because Natalie may have gotten ahold of some tainted heroin. Why isn’t heroin itself bad enough? It’s illegal… I don’t think the dealer or the cook or whomever is making/selling this shit is intentionally trying to kill people, what sense does it make to kill off your customer base? I know, my brother already told me. Drug dealers don’t have the best moral compass…

I scoured the internet for stories related to the fentanyl heroin deaths and reached out to a woman who lost her son to it. She pointed me in the direction of The Steve Rummler Hope Foundation.

I watched a YouTube video about Steve’s life, death and the work his family is doing to try to prevent it to happening to anyone else.

I was moved. Empowered. I felt a sense of PURPOSE. I signed up for all of their volunteer activities and their newsletter.

I know Natalie didn’t want to be a poster child (not in the traditional sense… I’m sure she would’ve LOVED to have been on actual posters…) but she’s not here to stop me.

I looked up the word purpose and the images that went along with it. There were a lot of quotes and questions: What is the purpose of life? “Live your life on purpose”, “success demands singleness of purpose”, “if you’re not working with purpose, you’re doing it wrong” and “the two most important days of your life is the day you are born and the day you find out why”. I get that these are meant to be optimistic, inspiration, hopeful and helpful… Today they pissed me off. This is NOT the life I imagined. I cannot devote all of my focus on “singleness of purpose” and I’m not doing “it” wrong. I’m doing the best I can.

This is not the way I’d hoped to collaborate with her on a project nor did I ever imagine she’d inspire me in the ways she has… I know it’s going to be an uphill battle, it’ll probably often times feel like a losing battle but that doesn’t mean we don’t fight.