Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

Yesterday I blogged about being pregnant. I was excited and nervous, hoping I wouldn’t “jinx” it by doing so.

I’ve had about 48 hours to sit with this new news. This wonderful, miraculous, terrifying news.

I mentioned that I was aware of the health risks and I am… today it just seems overwhelming.

I’m 40 years old. I’m overweight. I’m diabetic. I have high blood pressure. Low back pain. History of miscarriage…

I’m trying so hard to not let these thoughts scare the shit out of me.

It’s not working too well.

I haven’t had my arthritis medication for over a month and now my knees are swollen. I have looked into natural anti-inflammatory foods and will stock up.

I’m trying to make peace with being ok with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is.

This is where “Heaven’s Reward Fallacy” comes in. Heaven’s Reward is the belief that in this case, we are taught to believe that input is equal to output. We sacrifice and give our all. We put everything and everyone before ourselves. We give out so much good karma that good things must come back to us.

If I eat right, sleep enough, take all my meds, exercise, do everything right… I will have a healthy baby.

I plan on doing all of these things… and I know that I cannot count on right actions absolutely leading to right results.

This pregnancy was planned and in a very real way, a surprise. I had made peace with the fact that Tayla was going to be my only child. I would work in the hospital’s NICU. I would wait (anxiously) to become an aunt … or a grandma (not too anxiously).

I guess I’m saying that whatever happens, I know I’ll be ok. I just need to reassure myself because¬†this full day of worrying… I don’t want to do this again.

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Sunday Update

Hello all-

I don’t have much to say tonight, nothing really thought out or prepared but I guess I usually don’t. I think it feels different because there’s sort of a lack of focus. There’s a lot going on, what with spending hours deliberating on whether or not to take a shower (not today) and getting ready for the move on Wednesday (which consists of me mentally packing).

Daily and Weekly posts are happening, for now. The word of the day prompt is me writing raw. I don’t put too much thought into it ahead of time, it’s mainly my initial reaction to whatever the word has to be. As time goes on, I’m sure there will be pieces that I can develop into longer, better pieces but for now, I just want to get into the habit of writing everyday. And twice on Sunday. And Wednesday. ūüôā

I’m working on another endeavor though too. It will be a thorough look into addiction and the¬†desperate places people have fallen into, consigned there, mostly by the doctors who were supposed to¬†help them. I’m going to write about the heroin epidemic in general and get personal. I want to find¬†out how and why this is happening, in addition to figuring out what I can do to help. This is a big undertaking as¬†the use is so very widespread.

Saturday we signed our new lease. We’re moving the big stuff on Wednesday, yay! Back into an apartment. Leaving the townhouse life, which at first I was bummed about. I’m¬†38 years old. I think it’s time I had a house. Then again, I don’t like to be all that responsible. I guess I mean, I have enough responsibility right now to last me a long time and apartment living does¬†have it’s benefits. I’m hoping sleeping will be one of them!

School is out on Thursday! Oh shit… well, there is a lot of stuff to do around the new place…

Work is going well. I still like my job. Working three days a week, it’s good for me.

My health is… ok. Had my blood sugars under control for a little while, then pregnancy and loss fucked them up. Got back into a good “normal” range and then Natalie passed. I’ve been afraid to check them because stress affects them so greatly. I am taking my insulin and other meds though. The psoriatic arthritis is acting up, again because of the stress but I’m managing.

People keep asking how I’m sleeping. If I’m sleeping. How can I sleep? Honestly? I was medicating for the first week¬†to week and a half. I had to. I take prescription Xanax at bedtime but I try often not to… just because it’s one more pill and who knows how many more chemicals? I had exactly a week of dreamless sleep. On the eighth night, I had a dream, I know I blogged about it. Since then it’s been like I’m just trying to dial in the right bedtime. The later I stay up, the fewer times I wake up during the night. It looked like 1:30am was a good time. I’d sleep all the way through until 7:00. Last night sucked. I woke up at 2:30 am and haven’t slept since. It’ll be an early one tonight.

I don’t want to bore you with anymore mundane details of my life… what’s going on in yours? Anything exciting? Want to share? Let me know in the comments below!

Me & Celebrities: Famous People I’ve Been Compared To

The first time I was ever compared to anyone famous, it was Julia Roberts. Now don’t get all excited, like I did. We were at the Mall of America (see? Already a lapse in my judgement) and my blood sugars crashed. Not like “oh, I’m starting to feel weird(er), I think I might be¬†going low”, it was more like “Look at this pretty wallpaper… why is it getting longer?” and I was on the ground.

Don ran up to the counter and grabbed a coke. He sat me up and tried to simultaneously¬† unscrew the cap off the coke bottle, open my mouth, get me to drink AND convince the cashier he wasn’t stealing a soda. A lot of pressure on a guy.

Anyway, I got enough sugar into my system and was good as new (or rather good as I was before the drop) and it wasn’t long before we were joking about that frantic cashier, asking if she should call 9-1-1. I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure if she was going to call for help or to have Don arrested…

So how does Julia Roberts fit into all of this? Remember the movie “Steel Magnolias”? In the beauty parlor when Shelby was getting her hair done?

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You had to do a double take, didn’t cha.

The second time I struck someone as famous was at the gym and it was me. Uh, I was disgusting. All sweaty and out of breath… Jumped in the shower and it was one of those rare occurrences when I showered AT THE GYM. Not only that, but I stuck around to blow dry my hair. So,¬†here I am, in all my glory (most¬† of my glory was covered by a towel) and my hair is nearly dry but parted right down the middle. I had no make up on. I didn’t look like myself. I mean I did, but I didn’t- ya know? I was staring into the mirror trying to figure out who I was… at least who I looked like. Then it hit me.

MARLA HOOCH- “What a hitter!”

If you haven’t seen the movie “A league of Their Own”, it’s a great movie- I didn’t even mind that it had a lot of baseball in it! Be sure to look for me on the big screen, I mean my stunt double. Marla Hooch. Laughed til I cried.

Marla Hooch.png   & Me IMG_0757

And rounding off the collection, also a cast member of “A League of Their Own”, Madonna. Seriously. I can almost see this one too… You be the judge:

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& Me me

Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot! I have to mention, even before Julia Roberts… way before they were cool… I was often compared to…

THE SMURFS!

Smurf-12

Now there is some debate on WHY I was called a Smurf… Was it because I was short or always wore the same hat, dress and shoes? Was it because I was shopping non-stop for Pseudoephedrine? No, that wasn’t it… That wasn’t even a thing (that I knew about) until I was out of school… Or because I was little & blew? ON MY FLUTE, perverts. ūüėõ

I guess the world may never smurfin’ know.

What about you? Have you ever been compared to anyone famous? If so,¬†I’d love to hear about it!