I’m not going to lie, I may lose friends over this. I hate Christina Aguilera. HATE HER. I have been in therapy long enough to know that people are not their actions. We can “love the alcoholic” while we “hate their behavior” but in this case, for me, I hate all of it and here’s why:
Once upon a time, there was a girl (ok maybe not so much a girl but a woman in her early 30’s) and she was introduced to a show called The Voice. The Voice was in it’s third season and if memory serves, Bryan Keith was the first contestant. Approximately two seconds into his version of Bruno Mars’ song “It Will Rain”, I started to bawl… I mean she, yeah- that 30 year old girl? BIG CRIER. She can make the emo kids look like Vulcans! (OMG, I just made a Star Trek reference! Never seen the show, so, I’m a little proud of myself!) Anyway, The Voice became a ritual. An obsession, of sorts. All the contestants were so incredibly talented and had stories that tugged on the heartstrings… (Why is THAT a saying? Hearts don’t actually have STRINGS, do they??? Note to self, call cardiologist.) So beautiful and moving you’d think they were handpicked for television or something.
But there is one in particular. This girl/woman’s (ok, confession, it’s me) FAVORITE contestant. Melanie Martinez. Melanie could turn songs I’d previously abhorred into the sound of God’s own serenade. Not only did her voice touch me, her entire being reached me. Engulfed me. Allowed me to put a face on bravery.
She made it far into the competition, she was in the top 6. For whatever reason, her coach Adam Levine picked the song “The Show” for her to sing. It was a departure far from anything she’d done before and while I agree that people should go out of their comfort zones, this was not the time for that. Other contestants had the flashing lights, moving stairways, backup singers etc. While Melanie did a very stripped down version of the song with little instrumental accompaniment.
The performance received a tepid review overall but especially from she who will not be named… fuck that. It was Christina Aguilera. She was criticizing Melanie for a lackluster stage presence and Melanie, visibly shaken, looked away for a moment. “She’s not even LOOKING at me” shrieks Xtina – who I might add, was literally wearing a tiara. Wow. Well WTF are you going to do about it? Stab her with your crown? Make sure there is an eyeball on at least two of your points? NEWS FLASH. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. It’s not even really a little about you… So please. STFU already!
Thankfully, we had an Xtina reprieve for season 4.
Season 5 though, she was back with a vengeance. Seriously, I can’t even remember who was singing at the time, only that it was one of the diva’s own artists. I think the sheer rage and horror erased the memory of exactly when it happened but at some point shortly after the team Xtina contestant finished singing, the show’s host Carson Daily asked her what she thought of the performance. “What?” she said “I was just making this list of things I have to pick up at the grocery store real quick…” She recovered quickly, adding it was a “flawless performance” which was given with “such effortlessness”. Barf. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You weren’t even paying attention? OMG, why did I expect anything more? I’m really to blame for this…
This actually could’ve been season 8… Like I said, stress blocked it out.
Now season 10, like the Theory of a Deadman song says “The Bitch Came Back”.
The struggle to watch has been real. So painfully, achingly real. There is always tons of talent and the banter between coaches is endearing… but God help me, I can hardly take it anymore. This season already has had at least 3 incidents in which she has caused me to make that major vein in my forehead pop… and there have only been 4 episodes… and I haven’t even seen them all!
The first time was when she was clamoring for a contestants attention and Blake Shelton said something. “When I’m here, you don’t run the show” she snapped. Guess what Christina? YOU don’t run the show either.
The second time was when she was debating Pharrell on who was more qualified to coach a particular contestant. “I am all about nurturing” she tells Malik Heard after his performance of “Chains”. Personally, I don’t think she could nurture anything outside of her own ego… (seriously, it could fill the Grand Canyon or she calls it the Ok canyon) but Pharrell jumps in saying he’s been producing records since he was 19, hasn’t lived in the public eye BUT he has produced Justin & Brittany. “Oh, uh oh, uh oh, but I LIVED IT” says big blonde wig, trying to instigate a fight.
“You have the tree and then you have the greenhouse” says Pharrell.
Ohhhh’s from the audience fill the space.
“Then you have the tree that blossoms up and breaks that greenhouse because it’s so BIG” Christina counters as she stands to make her point visually.
Poor sap (get it? Because it comes from trees? Sorry.) chooses team Xtina.
Now, you all KNOW what the third issue I’m going to bring up is, don’t you?
It’s Kata. (Pronounced Kay-da or if you’re Christina, smoochy smoochy, oh sorry I think I lost my gum in your mouth!) I’m not a huge fan of country music but Kata Hay’s rendition of “Redneck Woman” was getting my foot tappin’ and my hips swayin’. She got three of the four coaches to turn (Blake, where the hell were you on that song?! That was ALL YOU!). When talking with the coaches, she admitted that Christina was her first “official” girl crush. “Well, should we just make out right now? Get it over with so we can get to work?” They share a quick kiss to “seal the deal” (meanwhile a horrified girlfriend backstage mutters something about Kata being in big trouble when they get home) and Christina promises “if you pick me, there’s more of that to come”.
Prostitution is still illegal in California, right? Because it looks to me like Xtina is promising to sleep with the contestants who pick her as her coach… Can we throw her in jail yet? PLEASE? What if they just kick her off The Voice? For soliciting?
Sigh, I leave you with this important thought… Where are the cops when you need them?
Ps. Yes, it HAS been brought to my attention that this much anger towards a person I don’t even know is not healthy and for the record, I don’t give a fuck. I channel all of my rage toward something that is safe. So, na. 😛
Pps. I propose we change her name to Christina HAGuilera.