Again?

Do we have to do this again? I mean, “we get to do this again!” That’s my pseudo adult “change is inevitable, growth is optional” part of my personality is telling me.

At the soft, squishy core of me though is dread.

Another 9/11. Another birthday without Natalie. Another milestone passing by the sides of the car windows that I try to hang on to in the rear view mirror of these mashed together days.

I was fortunate this year in that I was so preoccupied with Olivia’s birthday party that I didn’t spend the entire month of August dreading the 11th of September.

Now it feels as if I’m playing catch up in some sick game.

“Feel bad that she’s gone. Feel bad that you didn’t feel bad for as long as you usually do. Berate yourself for letting full days pass without feeling the misery that accompanies the consciousness of thinking about life without your sister. Damn you.”

I know she wouldn’t want me to feel like this, I’m sure she’s laughing at my ridiculousness. I will, when I feel better.

I miss her. I miss her so much my eye have a stabbing sensation that lingers long after the tears have fallen. My nose is prickly, my throat is sore, scratchy, closing up and my chest hurts. Like my rib cage is made of quicksand and caving in on me. Fast and slow. Eternal.

I am part of a grief group on FB and everyday I see a post that basically says “I lost my (so and so) (x amount of days/months/years), when does the pain go away?”

Really?

Never. It will never go away.

Fortunately, neither will the memories or the love.

That’s what I will try to focus on this week-weekend while I try to be more gentle with myself and my grief.

I Guess I’ll Go Worship Satan

I mean, being a good human isn’t good enough?

I’ve got people with no eyes telling me I’m blind.

I’m done.

There is no reasoning with people when it comes to politics anymore.

It’s no secret, in fact, it’s a source of morality that I DO NOT SUPPORT trump. When I see political memes, stories, facts, jokes that either support Biden or condemn trump, I share them. I feel it is part of my responsibility to stand up for what is right, fight against the bullies and give a VOICE of reason to the chaos.

In return, I get called names and told to read my bible.

I don’t know what makes people assume I have a bible (I do, I got it when I was confirmed) but as far as right wing people think of me- I can’t image they think I own a bible.

Yesterday I was in the car with my oldest and we were listening to “Someday We’ll Know” by the New Radicals.

“Someday we’ll know why Samson loved Delilah…”

Do you know the story of Samson and Delilah? I asked

“Nah”

I begin to tell the story, at least I try.

“Samson was a guy, given enormous powers of physical strength. It was tied to his hair”

“He had magic hair?”

“Um, well, God told him that if his hair were cut, he would lose all of his strength. It’s been a long time since I’ve read/heard the story… his wife, Delilah, betrayed him by cutting his hair while he slept. This allowed him to be captured. He was shackled to pillars, beaten and mocked. He prayed to God and was given strength one last time. He pushed the pillars until they cracked and crumbled, ultimately killing himself and all the people in the arena.”

The car was silent.

This is the stuff Christians believe happened? Literally? Magic hair? Someone, quick! Grab trumps rug and run!

I believe in Jesus and God. I am a decent human being. I will no longer tolerate people telling me how stupid and blind I am and that I need to read my bible.

I don’t believe in the bible.

Have you ever heard of the game telephone?

I’m sure I’m blaspheming but, I don’t care.

YOU (trump supporters) are no longer worth my mental health.

I wish you luck, love and happiness in your life.

Please don’t bother to “show me the light” as I am apparently blind and it will do no good.

Relax. It’s a joke!