Good Mourning

Grief is complex and often times confusing. Today is the six month anniversary of my sister Natalie’s death from addiction. Six months. Six? As in 6, 6? Like 1,2,3,4,5,6? My how the time flies when your stuck in an endless loop of sadness… In a therapy group meeting, I mentioned that today would be a difficult day for me, given the occasion. Around the room I heard gasps and whispers, I saw eyes widen and heads shake. Someone made a statement akin to what I just expressed and… I, I was offended.

“What do you mean, 6 months already?”

Just what I said, how can you not know what I mean? How can you question the validity of my statement? Haven’t you felt her absence every second of every day? I feel like I have.

But what’s the point?

Here’s what I’ve learned in therapy:

Emotions. E-Motion. Emotions are guides to helping us understand what we need. The things we need to do. It puts the “motion” in emotion.

Fear is about keeping us safe. You’re afraid to walk down a dark alley in a bad part of town? Good! Don’t do it, you might get hurt.

Anger gives us the energy to make a change, to set limits and boundaries around situations or people that might be unhealthy.

Grief/Sadness? It allows us to be comforted. To bring us into relationship, at a point in time when we really need it.

I need it. I’m in a place where I’ve never before felt such intense levels of all three of those emotions, for this long of a time period.

I feel so lonely, even though I know I have lot’s of people to lean on for support… I just don’t have the energy to even reach out.

Nat’s death, especially with the holidays around the corner, is getting worse. It’s getting harder with the six month mark because I think, for me, the permanency is setting in. The holiday music is killing me. She loved Christmas and every time I got to see her, it felt like Christmas to me. I heard Mariah Carey sing “All I Want for Christmas” the other day. I’ve disliked that song since 2009, when grandma died…and not so much as dislike the song, just teary, every time I hear it, I cry myself into a little puddle.

Today we are going to a candlelight service at the Washburn – McReavy. It’s not just for our family but all of the families they’ve served this year… it just happens to fall on the exact 6 month marker. I kinda feel like I have to go.

“Why do you have to go? Can’t you just light a candle at home?”

I could, but I guess I kinda feel like how many more functions will there be where Natalie is apart of the event… I have to go. I have to celebrate her with others. I have to remind myself that death is a part of life and it’s not permanent… the separation, I mean.

I recently read a quote by Chuck Palahniuk that made me hold my breath in pause, in awe for a moment before resuming my breathing… Here it is:

chuck-palahniuk-quote

Interesting food for thought morsel, isn’t it?

What are your thoughts on grief or emotions in general? I’d love to hear about it or fell free to share a story in memory of a loved one in the comments section below!

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2 thoughts on “Good Mourning

  1. I miss Natalie very much too. We lived together during Xmas 2014 and I’ll never forget how much she wanted to be able to buy grand, expensive gifts for her family and loved ones. Financially we were both struggling, and that’s an understatement. But she was determined to get these presents. I was in awe of her selflessness and generosity but I also sensed that she was trying to compensate for her own feelings of perceived inadequacy. She was trying to make up for the pain she felt she caused people. She was ashamed and felt guilty. I could relate. But we leaned on each other for comfort and companionship. I had just lost my bf of ten years and Nat helped me so much. If I hadn’t had Natalie that Christmas I’m not sure what I would’ve done. We had an unconventional bond but it was strong and I loved her very much. I’ll always miss her. I never tire of reading your blog posts, especially when they are about Nat. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Have a Merry Christmas, you and your family!

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    • Thank you so much for responding, it really means a lot. I’ll never tire of talking about her, listening to stories of her or engaging in grandiose rants about how frustrating she could be yet, ya hung in there because even with all of her “bad” behavior, she was worth the wait. She was worth the time and the trouble. She was… invaluable and now she will ALWAYS be with us.
      Merry Christmas to you too, wishing you the very best.
      XOXOXO

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