I was getting ready to finish the blog post I started last night and it just hit me. Out of nowhere, like a ninja, grief attacked.
I was going to write about politics, so maybe it’s not so bad I was derailed… but a photo of Natalie stopped me.
Since the expo ended on the 15th, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop…
It had been getting close. I had a few close call with crying fits but hadn’t really been able to let it out and I don’t know why.
I do know what pushed me over the edge though…
We The Kings have a song called Sad Song and it tore my heart in more than half…
*This video is NSF, unless you don’t mind ending up a puddle on the office floor*
Maybe I should’ve had the warning above the link… sorry.
It’s just that everything hurts all over again. Again and again.
I thought that once the expo was over, I could go back to meditating. It’s a new thing for me, at least it was. I’d felt calmer, more centered and most importantly, closer to Natalie. But, the expo ended and… I. feel. like. shit.
Physically I don’t feel good. Part of that is my Grave’s disease (couldn’t they have come up with a name not so… dismal?) is kicking in again. That means I’m dealing with exhaustion, an intolerance to heat and irritability (no shit). On top of that, depression is settling into my bones. The past several days it’s been almost impossible to get out of bed. I’ve made it to work, the one shift I’ve had so far this week. I’ve gone to my therapy group and not much else. I didn’t do my volunteering that I usually do on Wednesdays. I haven’t answered the phone or email. I just feel so heavy.
I kinda feel the equivalent of drunk. Like, sloppy drunk. Praying to God from inside the toilet bowl, trying to hold your hair back without moving any other body part for fear of vomiting… Once you do start puking, you just lay down on the cool tile floor and wait for the next wave of nausea to peak.
I lay in bed, my head propped up against the wooden headboard and wait for the next tsunami of tears to sweep me away. After the hysteria subsides, I fall into a light sleep with my eyes swollen shut and my throat dry and scratchy until the next little trigger starts the cycle again.
Like an alcoholic, I have to take this one day at a time. Remind myself that through is the only way out, when I beg God to tell me how long this is going to last. How much more do I have to endure? How many more hours and days will I walk around with a piece of myself missing…
While looking for an image to go along with this post, I came across this poem… it’s slightly modified to fit this particular situation.
I’ll Meet You In the Light
I know that you can’t see me, but trust me I’m right here.
Although I’m up in heaven, my love for you stays near.
So often I see you crying, many times you call my name.
I want so much to touch your face and ease some of your pain.
I wish that I could make you see that Heaven indeed is real.
If you could see me run and play, how much better you would feel.
But our loving God has promised me that when the time is right,
You’ll step out of the darkness and meet me in the light.
Written by Maureen Bauer