What Can I Say?

I’ve been thinking about today’s blog on and off, all day. What should I write about? What do I have to say? What can I offer? It doesn’t feel like much… In terms of writing I mean. I feel panic a lot of the day. A pressure in my chest about what’s left to do for the expo (a lot!), have I made all the calls? Covered all the bases? Weekends suck as far as trying to get anything done- few people hold business hours on Saturday and Sunday.

I am afraid. Afraid of not being able to pull this off. Of putting so much of my heart into this, at nobody showing up. Of October 16th, when it’s all over and I lose another part of Natalie, again.

I’m struggling to find balance. I’ve been run, run, running until I crash. And then start over. I need to learn organization. Time management. Meditation. Calm. I’ve worked really hard at seeing beyond just black and white.

We’re trying to get a CD put together and I’m reminded how far her talents stretched. How many genres she reached. How much she accomplished… And I think of how much more could have come.

I struggle to find meaning for her life, meaning that extends beyond her death. She brought happiness to people. Inspiration. Hope… and if that’s all I do in my lifetime? I’d consider it a life well lived.

-Photo by Kate Powell

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