What a Night(mare)!

A few years ago, I tried Ambien to help me sleep. It was amazing. I had never felt so well rested! So refreshed! I love it. It, however, didn’t love me. The last night I used it, I put a plastic bag over my head and tried to tie it off. Thank God for Don. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I was just cold and inside the bag was “warm and happy”. His logic, which explained just because I wasn’t trying to kill myself didn’t mean I wouldn’t end up dead, was lost on me. Until the morning. I didn’t remember doing that. Nor did I remember what I’d eaten that was now crusty and caked on around my mouth. Or what I’d done with the car keys… (refrigerator). I knew it was the end.

I’ve tried a number of different medications to help me hit a 6 or 7 block of uninterrupted sleep but to no avail.

Currently, I’m not really taking anything for sleep, which is why the other night was so strange.

I’d been sitting at the computer until my chin hit my chest, for the third time. “I HAVE to go to sleep” is the last thought I remember having.

The next morning, I get back in my chair and see my wallet laid out and my credit card gone. Oh shit. I checked my bank balance, no evidence of any purchases. I checked my email, to make sure I didn’t have any confirmation of purchases I may have made. Nope, all clear. WTF then? Where was my card? Why was my wallet even out in the first place?

After a few hours, a purchase did appear on my bank statement. For $1. A dollar? What can you even buy for a dollar? Who? Wha? Wher??? I couldn’t even form a complete sentence or question.

I googled what little information there was and found a Facebook page, dedicated toward hating this company of “scammers”. How they “steal from people”, lawyers and police are getting involved… I noticed under each comment though, there was a simple “call 800-xxx-xxx. Cancel and ask for a refund”.

I sigh and prepare for a long, uncomfortable phone conversation.

“Hello. I’m calling because I ordered something from you, in my sleep. I need to cancel it.”

“What?” says the guy on the other end of the line.

“Sometimes I do stuff in my sleep and this was one of them. What did I even order?”

“Ma’am (big mistake) this is a credit score monitoring service. Have you received your credit score?”

“Why the hell do I want to monitor my credit?” I ask, because I’m sure he’ll know.

“Are you trying to buy a car or take out a loan?”

“No.”

“Well, are you moving?”

Oh shit.

“Yes, we are moving but I don’t need to monitor my credit score. They’ll check it and charge me for it anyway, so please cancel this.”

“Oh, you don’t want to cancel this. If you’re already a member with us, you won’t be charged again.”

“What? No. Please just cancel this.”

“You’re still on the free trial. You have this available to you until May 4th”

“The same free trial that cost me a dollar? Listen, I don’t want this. I certainly don’t want to be charged $29.99 for it… I’m already pissed off about the $1.00 I spent but that’s on me.”

“I understand. The cost can be a bit much. I’ll tell you what. You can have all of the same service, for just a fraction of the price. I’ll knock it down to just $12.99. How’s that sound?”

“Still like something I don’t want.”

“What about $9.99. There’s no obligation and you can cancel anytime.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m trying to cancel it now! I don’t want this, I wouldn’t want this, even if it was free. PLEASE, cancel my subscription.”

“Ok ma’am. There’s just one other thing… Identity theft is abundant nowadays. We can offer you protection from…”

“Listen man, if anyone steals my identity, the joke will be on them. They are welcome to it. Please, I’m asking nicely. Cancel my membership and stop trying to sell me stuff.”

“Ok, hold on a sec, I’m going to get you a confirmation number”

“What did I JUST SAY about trying to sell me shit? Oh, confirmation number? Ok, that’d be great.”

I kinda thought he hung up on me at this point. There had been so much background noise, I had to close my other ear just to be able to hear him. But, the call timer was still ticking.

A few minutes later he came back with the number.

“Make sure you don’t lose that number now, just in case you get charged for anything. Now you can prove you cancelled it on April 29^th.”

Why the fuck would I get charged for anything else. I almost ask but deem it too risky. He may have a dozen solutions ie things he can sell me to help.

“Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

Are you kidding me? I wonder.

“No, you’ve done enough” I said and hung up.

Now, I’m going to have to figure out how to hide my wallet and/or the computer from myself at night but still know where it is in the morning…

Can’t even imagine how much trouble I’d be in if I were still taking Ambien. Scary thought…

***Do you have any strange nighttime habits or extracurricular activities going on after lights out? Strange side effects of sleep medication? I’d love to hear about it in the comments section below!